For a long time my brain was running like a room where the music never stopped. If you know AuDHD you probably get what I mean. Pattern detection on overdrive. Replaying conversations. Trying to understand where the rhythm changed. Trying to fix the part of the song that broke.
And the harder I tried to understand it, the louder the music got.
Somewhere along the way I learned something about myself that reframed a lot of my life. I’m AuDHD. Which sounds like just a label at first, but it ended up being more like finally finding the instruction manual for a machine I’d been blamed for operating wrong my whole life.
It explained why connection hits me so deeply. Why my brain maps people, their tone, their patterns, the small shifts most people don’t notice. Why when those patterns suddenly disappear my whole nervous system thinks the floor just vanished.
For a long time I thought that meant I was broken.
Now I don’t think that anymore.
I think I’m wired intensely. Sometimes beautifully. Sometimes painfully. But not broken.
Today I sent a letter that closed a door in my life. Not in anger. Not begging. Just… telling the truth and stepping away from the room.
And when I hit send something strange happened.
The music stopped.
Not relief exactly. Not sadness either. Just a quiet room where there used to be noise. Like the emotional version of a concert ending and everyone slowly filing out while the lights come on.
I realized something in that quiet.
I don’t actually need the past to change for my life to move forward.
I needed to understand myself.
I needed to stop carrying every piece of responsibility for something that involved two people.
And I needed to let my nervous system finally stand down.
If anyone here is going through something similar, especially if you’re neurodivergent and feel like relationships sometimes explode in ways you don’t fully understand, I just want to say this:
Your brain isn’t wrong for wanting connection deeply. Your nervous system isn’t weak for reacting strongly to loss. And closure doesn’t always come from the other person.
Sometimes closure is just you finally understanding your own wiring and deciding the story ends here.
So yeah.
Reddit helped me process a lot while I was trying to understand what happened in my life. I’m grateful for that. Truly.
But I think this is where my chapter here ends.
The room is quiet now.
And for the first time in a long time… that quiet actually feels okay.
PLURR